Sitting with emotions

I’m having a day. A day where I’m fine, not fine, fine, not fine. I’m tired. It’s four days into Stage 4 lockdown restrictions here in Victoria and I miss seeing people’s smiles. I miss touching and embracing my friends and family. I miss the freedom to go and do whatever I chose to do without thinking, shit, have I got my mask? Have I already been out for one-hour today? Is it past curfew yet?

I’m also taking care of Steve after his double-foot surgery a week ago. He’s legit dependent on me which takes me back to my old nursing days. Plus I’m homeschooling my step-daughter, have a business to run and keep alive, not sleeping well at night, a home to tend to and somewhere in there walk my fluff ball Bailey. This morning I came home from getting my coffee and Steve asked me to get him some medication. I sighed loudly, and he heard it. We had a barny and I ended up closing the bathroom door and cried into my towel. I just needed to let the fkr of emotions out and be sad, mad, overwhelmed, sick of taking care of everyone and sit in the “ugh”!

Sitting with my emotions and moving forward with the mess is something I’m good at these days, but back in the day I would bathe in those fkrs. I would marinate so long in my feelings I would be misery on legs, despair with arms, hopelessness with feet and doom with a head (lol, not a bag of fun to be around). So how did I get from sitting IN my emotions and being in a shit mood for days to being WITH my emotions and getting on with what mattered? I had to choose how I wanted to feel and experience life.

Choosing how I want to feel 

Prior to choosing how I wanted to feel I allowed whatever thoughts going on in my head and feelings to choose how I experienced life. This had me behave in ways that were pretty cold towards others and feeling all angsty in my being. I made the shift because I got jack of feeling out of control, guilty for how I treated others and out of alignment with who I knew I could be. So I made it my pretty little mission to set the end result of how I wanted to predominantly feel and show up, making that matter more than being a victim.

For example, if my intention was to feel grounded, centred and cool as a cucumber, and throughout the day negative thoughts would float around in my head and produce not so great feelings, I would take a minute to be with those thoughts and feelings. I’d observe them and allow them to be there whilst training myself to be disciplined to not get sucked into them. I’d feel all the feels, not shove them away or deep dive into them. I just let them be there and chose to get on with choosing feeling grounded and centred, acting and behaving in ways that were in line with that.

I choose to feel open, patient and present

And this is what I did this morning. Had my teary, felt all the feels, noticed I was acting out and reminded to ask myself how I want to feel. Today, I chose to feel open, patient and present, so now I’ll get on with doing just that.